Tomorrow and Tomorrow and Tomorrow
“Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day”
I trust you’ll understand the reference to
Another Scottish tragedy without my having to name the play
That’s Lin Manuel Miranda paying tribute to the famous play Macbeth in his award-winning musical “Hamilton” I do not know what Shakespeare meant when he wrote that; tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow for I happen not have read Macbeth. Perhaps just how subtle but fast time passes. My mind echoes of tomorrows. A deadly virus circulating in me with every beating of my heart. I look back at where I failed and the only common thread has been it; my procrastination; tomorrows I’ve convinced myself I have an infinite number of.
Time is fleeting and I’m running out of it. Like 2 months ago I turned 22. Having only one year left to completing my degree course, I have been evaluating myself a lot lately. And if I’m honest with myself, these past few years could have blossomed into something a whole lot better. See, I’ve always wanted my life to tell a story. Not particularly a story of a book that everyone would read but one I was hoping they would definitely watch the movie. Forgive a guy for dreaming. Deluded by the comfort of this bubble which is about to burst, it strikes me how short I’ve sold myself regarding my past choices simply by pushing them to last minute.
As a result, I’ve half-assed everything. And on some nights when the self-loathing sets in I like to picture an alternate reality where I gave it my all. What would that be like?
The life of a procrastinator is surrounded by nothing but destruction. First unto yourself then to everyone around. It hurts when someone believes in you for deep down you know that you’re eventually going to have to disappoint them. Hearing people telling you things like you’re talented crushes you cause naturally you sleep on everything. Even talent. You stunt everything around you that shows any sign of growth. They always tell you that you can walk away from a toxic relationship. How about one you’re in with yourself?
“Hassan…Just stop procrastinating” That’s normal people advice. For some of us that’s not just something we can do. It’s a fatal flaw. Personally, I’m willing to do anything not to do things. To better understand what happens inside the mind of a master procrastinator I recommend you read Tim Urban’s blog ‘Wait But Why.’ Trust me, he gets it and it’s a pretty fun read(+funny)
We’ve reached the part of the story where I’m supposed to reach into my hat and magically pull out some answers. How to navigate through this? And I really wish something generic like “It gets better” and “you’ll eventually get the hang of it” could fit here but if I’m honest I’m not so sure.
As I write this, it’s been 2 weeks since I completed my attachment. I was to meet my assessor 3 days ago but somehow managed to “keep myself busy” not to. It was 2 months ago when I was given a deadline for a short story (intended for publishing) by my mentor, someone I deeply respect. It was due a week ago and somehow, I haven’t gotten around to writing a single word. I have an assignment that was due last semester in early August but haven’t started yet. Oh My God! I’ve wanted to write about procrastination for more than a year now and it’s really weird that it’s now I’m actually getting around to it.
As a procrastinator, your only redeemable quality is that deadlines scare you and force you to be productive. So it scares me that I have no regard for them. Like I said, I’m the wrong person to give this ted talk. At least we still have the one by Tim Urban to help.
We’re all scared of stepping into the great perhaps for who knows what tomorrow holds. Somewhere deep inside I’ve maybe convinced myself that I can stop at these moments and live in them for as long as I want. Suppressing all the guilt in this equation. I then wouldn’t have to worry about the uncertainties that come with dealing with tomorrows.
That’s slightly outside the boarders of reality. To my close neighbors in this area, trust me when I say that we’re delusional and need to find our footing and work around this. For we are headed towards destruction for no reason. You can trust me on this one because I don’t know you; I don’t care enough about you to lie. We’re fighting a familiar demon but with different roots. I wouldn’t know how to fight yours. So you fight your way as I fight mine.